Faith has to do with things that are not seen, and hope with things that are not in hand. - Saint Thomas Acquinas
Death and taxes. Two facets of life that are unavoidable. Today is traditionally tax day where we pay our member dues to party in the exclusive Club America. A club that guarantees our right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
Well, today, 33 people can't file their taxes. 33 people are dead; shot at school. 33 people who, while trying to actually contribute, were cut down. 33. The age, they say, that Jesus was when he was crucified.
There are things some folks do to deal with tragedies like this: they numb, they ignore, they scoff, they sadden, they rage, they cry. They harden.
A friend posted a post in her blog this morning. A letter from god telling us how pissed she was at us; that we threw our chance away. She ended it with a divine SWAK: "fuck off and die."
This was a hard post to read. Hard, because i know she means it, every word. Hard because i know that those words emerge from a very soft and wounded space. It is so hard to stay open. Who would want to, really?
I stay open as a conscious choice. To me, to stay open is to affirm:
1. that tv is a magnifying glass. everything that happens on it seems to be ubiquitous. but i know the truth - it's not. events are talked about, hashed, rehashed, regurgitated and overanalyzed to the point of obscurity. so i know that once i read the headline, i need read no more. it is done.
2. bad things happen and this is ok. yes, even when bad things happen to me and the people i love. i'm not saying i look forward to these events, or that i take them in stride when they happen. they let me know that i love, that i feel, that i inhabit a human body with special needs, with emotional attachments and those are all ok. some people don't get that - that really, they are ok. whatever it is you're feeling or thinking is valid. i think people who fight off those feelings, who cram them down can become very dangerous in one way or another.
3. i am learning to take solace in, and believe (your mileage may vary) that there is a divine plan to my life and that these moments of tragedy and great loss are put here to educate me and affirm my faith. i can feel heartache and that heartache can be soothed knowing that there is a plan. there is a sense to this chaos. and it's not even a sense of "there has to be." i am learning to cultivate an inner knowing and respect for this process.
this world is beautiful and meant for us. i wish i could articulate my thoughts on this better, but this is a good start.
suffice to say that this world is still good, that at the end of the day, everyone, regardless of differences, wants to take off their shoes and have a warm dinner with someone they love. even if it's just the cat.
